Ocarina of Time: The Idiot That Saved Hyrule
by KrazyCuckoo
Summary: K for now, because I'm just one of those people who try to keep it as tasteful as possible. So it shouldn't go up unless there's a lot of violence, which I doubt. This is the story, of boy who has the intelligence of a block of wood. R&R please.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda, wish I did, woe is me.

Anyway, yeah, hilarious OoT story, enjoy.

In a very hazy setting, it appears to be around midnight. A boy clothed in green watches in horror, as the draw bridge lowers, and a green man with red hair, in black comes out chasing after a princess and a woman with white hair on horse back. The girl threw a blue object through the air, smacking the man right on his beak--er--nose. The man screamed, and fell off of his horse, landing in a pile of mud...

Elsewhere...

"Navi the fairy, thou must findest the boy, whose destiny it is to save Hyrule...I haven't much left..." said a large voice. The blue orb scoffed, mumbling, "It's about time for you to kick the bucket." She flew out into the main village...passing random children. "Hi!" shouted one. Navi turned back waving at the girl, when, 'DOINK!' she ran right into the lattice. "OUCH!" she squealed shaking off the pain. She then approached a tree house, and went inside. There was a boy, tossing and turning, as the fairy approached, he threw up his arm, knocking her clear across the room. After recovering, the fairy screamed at the top of her lungs, "THE TREE WANTS TO SEE YOU! GET YOUR LAZY BONES UP!"

The boy jumped out of bed, and looked at the fairy. "How exactly does a tree talk?" asked the boy. "It just does," said Navi rolling her eyes. "Alright, sack of sparkles, take me to the tree." said Link. Navi shot Link a dirty look, and proceeded out the door. By the time they reached the end of the ladder, a stupid little girl with green hair, came up to Link shouting, "Like, Link you like have a fairy! I like always knew one would come to you!" said the girl. Link backed away, and then ran off. He started to go to the path leading to the tree, and was stopped by some freckle faced strawberry. (A/N: I have no room to talk...)

"Hey, how did you get a fairy, butt munch?" asked the boy. "Mido, can it and let me through." replied Link. "Not with out a shield and sword. A wiener like you would last two seconds against a Deku Baba." said Mido. "You could kill it Mido..." Mido struck a heroic pose, "With your ugly face." Mido, got angry, and screamed several, 'colorful' words at Link.

Afterwards, Link, having, his 'oh so wonderful' companion Navi, was directed to the Kokiri Sword...after being flattened out by a boulder a few times...he then went to the Kokiri shoppe and bought a shield, with the money he stole from Mido's underwear drawr. Going back, Mido's eyes nearly popped out of his head, but he managed to keep the shock hidden.

"So, what, you got a shield and sword...once a wimp, always a wimp." said Mido letting our favorite prepubescent hero through. Navi dashed on ahead, waiting anxiously to see if the tree was dead. Sadly, for her, and to the amusement of us, he wasn't. Link and Navi approached the Deku Tree. It began to speak, "Link...some foul malovent force, is descending on our land of Hyrule...an evil lurks inside me, because of it. Dost thou have the courage to remove the foul entity?" Link looked up at the tree, "Uh...no, no I don't." said Link, being the idiot he is.

"Too bad," said the Deku Tree, opening his mouth, inhaling, causing Link to enter his mouth, with Navi right behind. He then shut his mouth, trapping our hero. Link looked around this dugeon for a few minutes before going up the vines. He came upon another set of vines only to see to big skullatulas ready to lash out. Ignoring them completely, the moron climbed the vines, obviously in vain, for the spiders knocked him right back down. He decided to explore the current level. He found a door and opened it, after Navi gave him a most interesting lecture on the art of opening doors. Inside was a little deku scrub, you know, the kind your grandma could kill. Guess what? Your grandma is smarter than Link. Yes, that's right, the creature spat a deku nut right at our favorite idiot's head.

Navi, actaully being helpful for once, yelled at Link, "THE SHIELD YOU IDIOT! THE SHIELD!" Link picked up the shield as he was instructed, this time bouncing the nut right back to the Deku Scrub, making it cry like a young school girl. The bars on the other side of the door opened and Link found a pretty chest with a slingshot in it. He then left, and headed back to the vines, some how having enough sense to kill the skullatulas. He then climbed up to the next level, only to find larger ones. It seemed that these ones however, were stupider than Link. (I know, it sounds impossible, but they are.) They turned around every bit and Link would slash them, finally killing them after a few blows to the abdomen. Then the boy looked down over the ledge and saw the bottom floor. (Wow, wasn't that unpredictable?) He decided the best idea was to jump down, seeing as there was no way up.

When he jumped down, the impact from the fall caused him to break the web and land in a small pool. He found a stick to burn the spider web on the wall and went through. After a series of Deku Scrubs and spider webs, he came open a new enemy, they were dumb little bug with leaves on their head. Link managed to crush them, after being bit several times, and headed onward to find another Deku Scrub, when he slayed this one, it's last dying words were, for my brothers up ahead, kill them in this order, "3...2...1..." Link then went to the next room and took a little moving platform to the opposite side. He then opened the door, and saw the scrub brothers, because he forgot the order, and Navi was too mean to tell him, it took him several attempts to slay the three, but when he did, upon the last's dying breath, he told Link he had to shoot deku seeds at and then stab Queen Gohma, the boss that lay through the passage, then he asked, "Am I a trader?" Link of course answered, "Yup." making the creature use it's last bit of strength to shoot Link in the head with a deku nut. After whining for a half an hour, Link went through the door, the brothers once protected.

The area was hazy, like white smoke was all around him. He examined the room looking all directions, until up on the ceiling, he saw a little dot moving around. The dot dropped, revealing it's true identity, a two inch tall daddy long legs. This was the 'almighty' Queen Gohma. It rawred at him, with an amazing force for something no bigger than a toe. Link picked the creature up, examining it, which including licking it, after a bit of consideration, he came up with this conclusion: "It's a froggy! I'll name you Freddy!" he said dropping it to the ground.

Turns out, Queeny, did not like being called a boy's name. In fact, she rather loathed it. So to show her 'gratitude', she crawled up Link's leg and bit it. A single drop of blood poured down his leg, and before he had time to scream, he was on the floor, purple and paralized. Queen Gohma, proud of her hand work, smiled, which is quite hard for a spider, and climbed back to her resting place on the ceiling.

Navi, rolling her eyes, sqeaked, the way forest fairies do, which was some sort of call, for a few pink fairies came and surounded the motionless 'Kokiri', bringing him back to his orignal state. Queen Gohma, now really mad, hopped back down and hissed and the sack of sparkles. Link screamed, "I HATE YOU FREDDY!" and charged at the little critter, shooting it with a few rounds of deku seeds. Queen Gohma, now on the floor twitching was getting stabbed to death by Link. After it finally died, (Tough little gal, ain't she?) a blue portal and a heart piece popped up, Link grabbed the heart piece, and stepped into the light.

He and Navi appeared before the tree, who was looking grayer than before. It began to speak, "You have suceeded, Link, but I was doomed all along, I have but a short time to live...a desert man put this curse on me...he is trying to take over Hyrule. He is after the triforce, that Din, Nayru, and Farore left us. Link! You musn't let him. Here, take this stone..." he said giving Link a somewhat fake looking emerald, with the gold paint peeling off, "Take it to the princess of destiny. Surely, she will know what to do...Navi, help Link find his way...byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." said the tree before shriveling up and dying. "Score!" whispered Navi, happier than ever.

Exiting this area, Link and Navi, were stopped by Mido. "WHAT HAPPENED! DID YOU KILL THE DEKU TREE! HOW COULD YOU!" screamed Mido, before running away crying. Link laughed at this, and then went onward to the exit of the forest...when he began to cross the bridge, he saw green hair, aka Saria, holding a wooden ocarina or potato flute, whatever you want to call it, "Link...you're going away, aren't you?" asked Saria, already knowing the answer. Link nodded. "Well, I know you have to, because you're different from my friends and I...but, that's okay, because we'll always be friends...right?" Link nodded, even though he was lying, "Here take this," she said shoving the ocarina into his hands. Link, looked at it, then back at Saria, then at it again, then ran off into the tunnel, entering Hyrule field.

He was barely twenty feet along, when he was stopped by a talking owl. "Hoo...hoot! I am a talking, I am a worthless idiot, who is here to waste your time. Hoo...You are the chosen boy...hoot! You go see princess! Blah...blah...words...cheese..." the bird rambled on for ten minutes..."You get that? Hoo!" Link shook his head no, but it was too late when he realized what he had done, ten minutes later, the bird said, "I, Kaepora Gaebora, have finnish! You want it repeated?" Link shook his head and ran off. After running up the hill, it was clear that there was a town on the other side. Link ran and ran until he reached it, but guess what? It turned dark, which made the draw bridge go up. Link stomped the ground in rage.

It began to shake, a skeletal child emerged, and then another. Link nearly wet himself at this site, but then unsheathed his sword, nearly cutting off his ear. He batted at the idiotic creatures, and more would emerged...infact they became larger...Link went through this all night, until the first rooster crowed, and the draw bridge came down, make the creatures return into the ground.

Well, that's the chapter. Longest thing I've ever written. Please review. That'd be great:)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Link crossed the draw bridge and entered Hyrule Castle. It was a _beautiful _sight. There was a man singing the rabbit song, a woman with no dignity scratching her back like it's the end of the world, a fat old hag screaming, "Look what Richard did! Awww!" every two seconds reffering to her prized pooch. There were a few women scratching each other's eyes out of the last designer spoon, made out of solid 100 rot-wood, it's lovely green color was most definately worth the fight. There was a schitzophrenic dude patting his knees, going on about selling him something with "C", but one girl stood out, she had red hair, and she looked like she was wearing a nightgown. How indecent! Link went up to great her, "Hey, babe, want me to buy you some nice cellulite cream?" said Link.

The girl slapped him and started to walk away, when Link yelled at her, "Guess you don't want me to tell you about my trip to the castle!"

She came running back, "My dad's at the castle. Can you like get my dad? I'll forget that remark! Here's an egg! It's warm! I think it went pee-pee! Teehee!" screamed the girl. Link took the egg and went, "Sure, anything for you, doll." He left and went through the other side and climbed up the road, and made it to the castle, gate, somehow, he convinced the guard to let him through, and walked up the hill, casually. Obviously he was stopped by two guards, and they threw him out.

The first guard screamed, "YOU LITTLE NUMBSKULL! YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME FIRED!" so Link climbed up the wall, jumped down and this time snuck past the guards, and jumped a wall. He got to the moat and swam through to the other side, to find a fat man sleeping. Link instictively tried to push him in the water, but nearly broke his back in the process.

Suddenly, he felt something crack. The egg hatched. Link got an idea. He pinched the cucoo, causing it to caw and wake up the man and try to gouge out Link's eyes, after the cucco finally got tired, the man spoke. "What in tarnation! Oh...who are you?" asked the man. "Link, your hot little daughter told me to get you." said Link. Talon was not thrilled about having some punk flirting with his daughter, but had bigger fish to fry, "Oh no! Malon's going to kill me!" he said running off. With that out of the way, Link stacked some convieniently placed boxes, and crawled through the hole, getting his butt stuck. Well, you can guess who came at this point. That's right, our little cucoo. It cawed evilly, scaring the crap out of Link, giving him more motivation to get out.

When he got through, he snuck behind all the guards, making fun of them, in the process. When he finally reached the courtyard, there was a girl in royal clothing, looking in a window. She sensed someone's prescence and turned around. "Who are you?" she asked. "Link, but you can call me stud." Link said. "Only if you give me a kiss." Link fell backwards desperately trying to get away. She came to a relazation right before Link got smooched. "Wait...you're the boy from my dream! Do you have a tacky green stone?" said the girl rather excited. Link let out a sigh of relief.

"Yea. I do." said Link. "You have a fairy!" said Zelda. "Hey! Watch what you call me!" said Link. "I meant the sack of sparkles with wings." said Zelda rolling her eyes. "Oh...so?" said he. "Well, you can help me. Look at this man." said Zelda.

Link peered through the window to see Ganondorf, the man who smells like a dumpster. "Ew!" screamed Link. "Yeah, anyway...do you think you can stop him from getting the triforce? You need to get two more of these tacky stones, then come back to see me." said Zelda. Link nodded, anything for a pretty gal, even if she was crazy. "Kay, my nursemaid will take you out of here."

A woman with white hair and red eyes appeared before Link. "I shall take you out of her, but first you need to learn this song, " she said playing her flute. Link can't play worth beans, so Impa ended up giving him a piece of paper that had the notes on it. She then took him to Hyrule Field.

"See that mountain? You should find my village at the foot, and on it, you will find the next spiritual stone." said Impa. "Whoa. Like, since when are mountains green and sweat scented, and since when did you turn into a gray hunk of dust, Impa?" hearing this, Impa kicked him in the stomach, rather hard. "Why did you do that!" screamed Link. "Idiot." said Impa disappearing. Link had an itch, so he scratched his head, taking off his hat to do so. "Oh...everything's colorful again." said Link.

Navi rolled her eyes once more (I'm suprised they're not stuck up there.), and her and Link looked onward to death mountain. They arrived in Kakariko village after Link forgot to tie his boots and fell down the staircase. They looked around. It was a small village, with a few construction sites, some old man hollering at some carpenters, a lady whining over some cucoos and so forth. Then a narrow passage caught Link's eye. He went over to it and went down it. This was Kakariko Graveyard. "Oh crap it's a boneyard!" exclaimed Link, who was now sucking his thumb. "So what? These people are dead. They're not going to get you. Idiot." squeaked Navi, trying to smack him in the face with her practically non-exsistant hand.

Link shrugged, and moved forward. He got up to a big tombstone and had an incredible urge to play the song Impa taught him. So he did, it sounded like the Barney Theme Song, but nonetheless, the grave burst open. Link dropped inside, without thinking, and the next thing he knew, there was a mummy chewing on his neck. He slapped it off and moved on, he got to the end of the tomb to find another song, Link wrote it on his hand with a knife. Yes, a knife. Link had a song scar. He then found nothing else and decided to leave the stupid thing. He left the graveyard and headed to the Death Mountain Entrance.

"Hey dude. That blonde chick said I need to go there, to buy...uh...shaving cream...yeah. That." said Link to the guard. The guard shrugged and opened the gate. By the time Link was half way up the mountain, the guard came to a relazation, "Hey! Gorons can't shave!"

Anyway, so Link went up the mountain...

And that would be a cliffhanger. R&R


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Link went up the mountain, and was doing quite, until he saw a large orange tetekite. "Hi, Mr. Spider!" said Link. Mr. Spider wasn't so friendly, however. It blinked an eye and screeched, before jumping on Link. "Awww! You love me, Mr. Spider! I love you, too!" said Link. Mr. Spider then did the unthinkable. Yes, that's right folks, he ate the pasta Link packed for lunch.

Link, who was less concerned about his own safety, cried. "Mr. Spider! You ate my din-din!" Link slapped the spider, and ran off crying. Half way up, he finally shut his mouth. Then out of nowhere, a large yellow thing was rolling in his direction. Link, being to dumb to move, got ran over. This, being a work of fiction, however, Link popped up. So, anyway he walked the rest of the way up, and entered a cave, which really turned out to be a city, Goron city. Link wandered around, until he reached the bottom of the city, and went to a door. That incredible urge to play came once again, and Link entered.

A stupid yellow guy stood their, obviously with his underwear in a bunch, because he had a rather angry expression plastered on his face. Link thought, 'I know a good pick-me-up.' said Link putting an Ocarina to his lips and playing some forest song. The retarded Goron started dancing about, making Link nearly peed his pants laughing.

When the Goron stopped, he asked, "What do you want little fella?"

Link said, "I want that tacky stone you got."

Darunia gasped, "You mean my lunch? Oh...well I'll only give it to you if you kill the dumb drangon that's eating all the rocks in that cave at the base."

Link said, "Fiiiiiiiiine. Just give me the key."

Darunia, even though he was quite dumb, thought Link was stupid, and sighed, "Kid, you need this strength bracelet to pick up bomb flowers and throw at the cavern." he said handing Link a golden bracelet, with the Goron symbol.

"Thanks," said Link running out the door. Darunia sighed once more,

"We'll starve..." said Darunia, sitting on his throne, rubbing his temples.

Link reached that one little area with the bomb flower and picked it up, but being the moron he is, he held it until it exploded, this caused Link to turn very dark, and be in a lot of pain. So, the second time around he threw it before it exploded. Good boy, Link. Causing the stone slab once blocking the entrance to the cavern, to explode. Link jumped down, nearly breaking his ankles, and went in the lovely dungeon. He blew up another door, and went into the next room. He jumped across a platform, and blew up another room, going in.

In the next room were bay dodongos, trying to kill Link. Link slashed one of them, making it blow up. Link now had an owwie. So, he learnt the almighty avoidence mineuver, and managed to get to the end of the room. The next task was to move the armos knight on the switch, Link did so, after having it explained to him by Navi...several times. He jumped up and entered the next room. This room required lighting all the bombs at once, to lower the platform. He managed to do so, and climb up the stairs. He opened a chest revealing the bomb bag. Then it came down to throwing bombs in the dead dodongo's eyes. Link nearly went into seizure when it's mouth opened, until Navi reassured him that it was an inatimate object. He jumped down and entered the dondogo's mouth, and opened the door. Guess what? It's the boss room!

King Dodongo, the almighty...wait...iguana? Link, being the sweet little boy he is, went over to pet King Dodongo. "Aww! Hi, little fella. You scaring the ugly yellow guys away?" asked Link. The iguana opened it's mouth, emitting a flame, catching Link's shoe on fire. "AGH! MY FOOT!" screamed Link. Link hopped around dropping every last bomb in his bag. Kingy, thought, yum-yum, and ate the bombs. A few minutes later, let's just say iguana guts were everywhere, and Link was missing a toe.

A blue portal appeared, along with another heart piece Link picked up, and a pink fairie, healing him, making his toe regenerate. Link stepped into the light, happy to leave. He ended up in front of a heard of Gorons, and yahoo and yippee-ing.

"Thanks! You know my sworn brother!" said Darunia, giving Link the tacky red stone, that looked like costume jewelry. "Now, it time for a biiiiig Goron hug!" said Darunia and other Gorons, arms wide-spread.

Link ran for dear life, as the Gorons looked quizically, "He no want hug?" they asked.

Link went back down the mountain, and wondered where he'd go next...

Dundundun...another chapter. Yay.


	4. Chapter 4

Navi then suggested, "Hey! I bet we should go to Zora's Domain!" Link cringed at the shriek, "That has got to be the stupidest thing I heard. We're going to the secret grotto." So Link hopped into the grotto, getting his butt stuck. "Oh, yes, genius, I bet that's where the Spiritual Stone of WATER is." Navi tugged on Link, but eventually she had to flag down a passerby, which I don't know how she did it, considering her lack of arms, and the fact that I would run away if I saw Navi, but he came over, laughed a bit, then pulled Link out of the grotto, and then got a nice sword and chased Link around Hyrule field. He was a robber. After he got every rupee Link had, which was about 5, he slashed Link, whose ear fell off as a result. Link was now a Hylian Vangogh with no artistic talent whatsoever, which one has to admit is quite ironic.

Navi found some glue, which most likely hasn't been invented yet, and glued Link's ear on. Wow. That's a good fix. "Fiiiiiiiine, Navi. We'll go to Zora's Domain, but only because I pity you and your stupidity." So, onward Link and Navi went, to Zora's domain. They reached the end of the outer part, and played Zelda's Lullaby, again sounding quite similar to the Barney the Dinosaur Theme Song, and went through. They went to see King Zora, who didn't say much other than, "Oh where is my Ruto! Oh, I hope she doesn't come back! Block off the entrances, Zora." Link left, having misheard, thinking that King Zora actually wanted Princess Ruto back, which of course, no one would.

Link played some game and got some scale, that made him swim deeper, and ended up in Lake Hylia, where he found a Zora, who was a bag a sugar, and obviously having a sugar rush. The Zora said, "HiI'mRalphwhoareyouIthinkthere'sstuffinthewaterwhydon'tchalook!" So Link did, but not before joining in on the sugar rush, and dipped down a looked. Five hours later he managed to snag a bottle that said, " Do not touch this unless you want to marry Princess Ruto," which Link did anyway.

He took it back to King Zora, who read it:

Dear Person:

I am in Lord Jabu-Jabu. Oh noes. Please rescue me. I love yellow cake. It's nummers.

Love, Ru-Ru, kissies.

"Oh no! She has been kidnapped by something in Lord Jabu-Jabu, and they have perverted her mind as well! No one likes yellow cake!" King Zora was in hysterics. "I'll get her, dude." said Link. "Alright Zora, just allow me to move out of your way." this took about 3 hours, causing Link to fall asleep. "ZORA! GO!" screamed King Zora, waking Link up, nearly sending him in to cardiac arrest.

Link did as he was told and went through the gate, and ending up in Lord Jabu-Jabu's Shrine Room. He had some old rotting fish he had packed for his adventure and gave in to Lord Jabu-Jabu. He ate the fish and Link. Link was now in his stomach. He slayed the Octoroks, and then shot the uvula and opened a door covered with the nerves of the Windfish, and there appeared the ugliest excuse for sushi, anyone ever saw. "GO AWAY!" screamed sushi-woman. "Well, well, someone's moody." said Link. She got mad and jumped in a hole. Link did, too. "Fine, if you must take me, I will give you the honor of carrying me." said Ruto. "Some honor." mumbled Link. "WHAT!" screamed Ruto. Link jumped back startled, "I said, "It would be my honor."" Ruto replied, "That's what I thought you said," as Link picked her up. THey went on to the next room which was filled with...

Cliff hanger! Sorry for the update taking so long. I was bored with the story, and well, over-all lazy. R & R. Will update ASAP.


End file.
